This is a strange little club. A club I do not want to be a member of, thank you very much. If anyone told me a year ago, that I would be alone on major holidays and even lonelier on the personal days, like my birthday and the birthdays of my children, the anniversaries and the weekends, I would have called them a liar. I have friends. I have good friends. I have a group of people who care deeply about us, I know I do! Then why do I feel so alone?
Death wears you out.The thing it wants more than anything is to see you alone, lying on your bed, listening to sad songs from your college breakup days and eating stale marshmallows. (Hell, I don’t even like marshmallows-who bought those?!) We have to fight that urge to lie down and let it run you over. Grief robs your enthusiasm. Sadness saps your strength. I know about this. I live it. Now, I know people are afraid. Hell, I am afraid! When I wake up every morning, I no longer feel dread. I feel longing. I think longing might be worse. Then again, not really sure, because there is no road map for this trip. I don’t know if it will last two years or a whole lifetime.There are no guarantees, no definite..except that I have work to do, my work is not finished, so I’m told. I am working on an idea for a screenplay, and I’m really looking forward to summer vacation to dedicate some serious chunks of time to the outline.
One thing I do know, and I’ll bet there are others who have lost their spouses who will agree with me. There is no “wrong time” to visit with someone who is longing for a loved one. There are no, “I didn’t want to bother you”, or “are you too busy?” moments. There is one simple truth for you to carry away from this blog. People who are mourning do not want to feel sad! This is where you come in: They are thrilled to talk with you about all the happy things going on with you and your world. You can’t say the wrong thing, so don’t worry about that. Many, many friends have told me about their fear of accidentally upsetting the bereaved. In the scale of things, remember, we have already been as upset as we’re ever gonna get. Remember how you felt after you had a really good cry? Those endorphin’s have kicked it up a notch. You feel, relaxed, almost giddy. You are ready for something else. That is how it feels, a lot of the time. So, talk about the good old days. Look at photos. Reminisce about the time he tap danced on the table. Don’t be afraid to talk about the person. Remembering the good times helps us to remember there will be good times again.
I’ve lost the person who I’ve spent 50% of my life with, and 15 hours of almost everyday. Trust me, I have more than enough time to spend 1 hour with you. I think the real question might be,” Do you have the courage to spend time with me?” I am you. Maybe a little older and wiser, but still your friend. More now than ever.