Gratitude, One Year Later

The time has slipped away so fast, and the seasons have run faster and faster, stumbling over each other in a mad dash to get to the finish line of 2013. I look at my photograph that I first posted on this blog, and I look like a small, frightened child, which in retrospect, I believe I was at the time. I’ve spent the last year changing formats of expression, going from the spoken word to the visual form, finding photography an easier way of expressing myself. Learning to be quiet again has taken a long time, but has been an important tool for me. Sometimes there are things that just can’t be put into words, they go beyond the ability to express in the language of the spoken word. As for myself, I am so very grateful for music, with it’s rich vocabulary, or the quiet, God filled moments you experience in a sailboat on the ocean at sunset. Peace on earth. Peace. Loving children. Loving life. Being loved and giving love in return. These are bold, brave hearts, who choose to stay open and move ahead. Every day is a choice. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It’s a cold dive into the deep end of the pool, each and every day. Just thought you should know.

Ironically, when I opened my blog this morning, I was feeling compelled to write about gratitude, after having it repeat as a theme in my life in the past few months.Turning to my neglected but not forgotten page, there was the title of my last entry, written in July. GRATITUDE. Well, there you have it!

I do still write, many times a week in my personal writing, and at some point I will transfer that writing to a more public agenda, having been working on both a novel and the outline for a screenplay, as well as a few short stories and even an outline for a piece of work involving a single British woman friend and her American cat who secretly runs her life, behind the scenes! I can’t write that without cracking up every time, I think there’s a lot of staying power in that premise. I’m starting to piece some of my photography together now, along with my writing, and it’s amazing to see it is all beginning to dovetail itself into a natural order. Kind of like life.

Hope you and yours will have a peaceful and prosperous New Year, filled with gratitude and lots of cold dives in the deep end of the pool!

Yours,

LivingWinters

Chapter Two… Now For Something Completely Different

I’m not so sure I’m good at change. I can, however, adapt to things when I am put in a situation that requires me to be flexible, but I can only do that when I am receiving the same commitment which I am giving. I guess the word for that would be compromise. Not the same as change.Change is uncomfortable. I don’t like change. Change makes me want to do two things. One is run, the other is go back to my past, where things were safe and predictable.

Lately, I’ve been exploring the idea of trying to get back home again. At almost 53, (March 19th) this has been a recurring thought for me, as of late. What does it mean, to go home again? Isn’t that a lift from Thomas Hardy? In this scenario, I have finally figured out it means getting to my authentic self. As of late, I’ve been finding out the things that used to bring me pleasure, no longer do so. It’s a scary thought, this inability to self sooth. We all have to learn how to comfort ourselves, like a toddler who you are praying will make the adjustment to sleeping in his/her own bed. I know no kid goes to college missing the parent bed, and somewhere down the road that transition takes place. How do we, as adults make those life segues for ourselves?

Currently, I am a widow and mother of two teen-aged children. However, I am now involved with a great guy. No,  you didn’t see that one coming, neither did I, don’t think he did, either. My problem lies in the dilemma of not knowing how to date someone while being a mother. Who knows how to be in a situation like this? I certainly don’t. Maybe I should read up on this? This is how I have learned to deal with new information in the past.

When I was pregnant with my first child, my family found it hysterical that I read all kinds of books on how to be a parent. Who does that? Well, I do, and as a matter of record, Scott, my husband, did as well. Yes, maybe not everyone’s choice, but it gave me the initial confidence, like doing the prerequisite reading for a difficult required class. so, in that sense, it was a good base.

This time, I am juggling my two children, (19 and 15), my transition from marriage to widowhood to a new relationship. The other factor, and it is a big factor, is the man I’m seeing has been married, and has his own issues and children. Now, I know this is a unique situation to people coming from a divorced/separated relationship. I’m not sure where this will lead, but being exclusive to Mr. A right now  feels like the right choice for me. Have I told you he is a wonderful, sweet man? He would have to be, to get my attention, at this point in my personal growth curve.

And there it is again, that same theme. Am I up to juggling my two children,now late teens and almost young adult? My daughter seems to think she has a vote in this. Hell, I feel like I don’t have a vote in this! Love is love. I never thought, in a million years, I would meet someone who could hold my attention and admiration again. I was like, “Love? … Ok did that, check it off the life list.” Then it happened. Not like, “Oh, Chocolate ice cream, I forgot how much I like chocolate ice cream!” It was more like, “Whoa! French Vanilla with Honey?! No way! Didn’t know it existed!” (I laugh at my own analogies, pretty good analogy, since Mr.A makes his own homemade ice cream)

In some ways, it would be so easy to go home again. Move back to New Hampshire and join the ranks of my family. I’m the only family member that lives away. My kids would have Aunts and Uncles, cousins and Grandparents. I have given that some thought. With a daughter deeply entrenched in a private high school, I couldn’t do that to her.So that ship has sailed.

The good news is now I am older and wiser. Death will do that to a person. It also makes you realize how far you have actually come. And that’s the scary part. That is why I still need my friends and family. Very much like the toddler who runs away from his mother, but after taking eight or ten steps independently, turns to make sure his Mom is still there. Remember my friends, I am making this up as go along. I will still turn around, checking to see if you are still there. I hope you will be.

Loving Sam, My Dog. Our Dog.

My dog died. I won’t go into the terrible details. I will tell you, he was a constant, lovable companion. It took awhile for him to get past his Master’s death. This was Scott’s dog. Sam was a Great Pyrenees. We had rescued him from a family who had come on hard times, having lost their home to bankruptcy and were moving into a two family in the city.  I can’t remember if this happened when Scott was in hospice or after he died. Sammy kept running away, looking for Scott. It happened multiple times during the summer of 2011, just when I thought life was stupid and painful and not worth the hassle. This giant, white dog kept doing what I wanted to do. Run away.

The Providence police were wonderful. Our neighbors were wonderful. Everyone who tried to help was wonderful. This dog wanted to bolt, and it may sound easy to keep a one hundred and sixty pound dog inside. Trust me, it is not. If he wanted to get out, he got out. Galloping, really. Like a small Shetland Pony. There was no way I could keep up with him, you needed to be in a car to keep the pace. As irony would have it, keeping up with Sam was that was the very thing I needed to do. Keep up with him. Keep him in focus and active and busy. He had to be loved. Actively. Fully. So I loved him, even more than before.

And it got better. Slowly, without me even realizing it was happening. Sam was there when I was alone. He didn’t mind if I had a red nose from crying, or if I stayed in the same sweatshirt all weekend. His favorite thing was to walk through the house at night, on patrol. He would walk from room to room, pausing long enough to listen for any unfamiliar sounds. I knew no one would mess with us, just my daughter and I alone, husband gone and son away at college. Not with a giant white polar bear sleeping at the front door.

Now he sleeps at a different front door. Back at home with his Master. Thank you Sam. For being there for me, when I didn’t even know what I needed. You knew all about unconditional love and had enough to share with everyone, ten fold. Sleep well, my Bubba.

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